Love Me to Death Read online

  ‘I’ll just get a drink,’ he said.

  ‘No, you’ve got to get the soup and sandwich with me.’

  He wondered if this was a date – the nice clothes she was wearing, the café? It must mean something.

  After they’d been served, he pressed the petal on the flower in the vase on the middle of the table and watched her. He was too nervous to eat and was glad it was only soup. The bread roll crumbs fell onto her top and he had to stop himself from reaching out to brush them off. The waitress smiled over. Her pinafore was pure white, not a drip of coffee on it. She thinks we’re a couple, he decided.

  ‘Did you hear about that thing at Lyme Park?’ Maggie asked.

  ‘The police were there weren’t they?’

  She leant forwards. ‘Some woman found something when she was walking her dog.’

  Jacob stirred his tomato soup and frowned. ‘What was it?’

  ‘Bits of a body or something.’

  ‘Gross,’ he told her.

  ‘I know.’ Maggie looked up at the ceiling.

  Jacob waited for her to say something, but she didn’t. He watched her tear at the bread, sending crumbs everywhere. He didn’t want to talk about what they’d found up there. He didn’t want to know. If he was good at conversation then he’d find something funny to tell her, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t like Matty Vincent who could just talk about nothing.

  Maggie looked at her watch for the third time since they came into the café. He hoped to take her to the cinema afterwards, or a safe place where he didn’t have to worry about talking, but it was going wrong. He hadn’t been prepared. If he’d known it was going to be a date, he would have thought about what to say first. He’d have had some stories ready and a list of things to ask her. Usually they just messed about and had a laugh together. He wasn’t used to seeing her looking so nice and it made him nervous. He thought about what it would be like if he could get rid of the Vincents and just be with her all the time. If that happened, things would be a lot easier.

  ‘Why are you smiling?’ she asked.

  He hadn’t realised that he was. ‘I wasn’t.’

  She pulled back her chair and grabbed the coat from the back of the chair. ‘It was alright, that. I’ve got to meet the girls though, I’m already late.’ He wanted to grab her and pull her back down, but he started to stutter.

  ‘We’ve only just got here.’

  She shrugged. ‘I just needed to use my voucher. Bob gave it to me at the theatre. He’s a tight bastard so I had to use it. Give it to the woman, will you?’

  He sat back down as she walked out of the café and across the road into a group of people. He always managed to get it wrong. He just wasn’t sure how it kept happening.

  ‘Your girl in a rush then, sweetie?’ the waitress asked, as she chewed her pink bubble gum through glossy lips.

  ‘She’s meeting someone.’

  ‘So long as you’re not going to do a runner.’ The waitress smiled as she put her pen to her glossy lips. ‘Fancy a dessert from the specials?’

  He shook his head. ‘No, we’ve got a voucher. It just says soup and sandwich.’

  The waitress nodded before she walked away.

  Jacob left the voucher on the table and followed Maggie outside. He hated that he was following her again and kept well back in case she saw him. She was easy to spot; he could hear the little heels clicking against the pavement, bright red against the tarmac.

  Jacob didn’t believe that she was meeting the girls. She was too dressed up for that and it was obvious she was going somewhere special. He watched through the crowd as she walked through the precinct, barely able to walk.

  As he waited by the street corner, he felt sick inside. The need to have her was starting to hurt again and if he could get rid of it, he would. He wondered where it had come from. They’d always been friends, but recently it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away. He was thinking about her all the time.

  If he could touch her skin and feel her mouth on his just once, then perhaps that would be enough, but he doubted it. He wondered what his mum would think about it. He wished he could talk to her. She’d always liked Maggie. She’d bought her a magic set for her birthday once and the pair of them had practised for ages. His mother was full of tricks too, but she saved the best trick for the end. There on the bridge one moment and then gone. Jacob stopped walking.

  He sat on the bench at the bottom of the hill and waited. He knew Maggie wouldn’t catch him as he watched her go, wondering who she was meeting this time. Someone from the youth club maybe, or school? Matty Vincent? She’d been distant lately, not ringing him as much as she used to. He thought it was just that she was busy, but maybe she’d just lost interest in him. Or worse, she’d come to the same conclusion that everyone else had. That he wasn’t worth knowing.

  As he got to the top of the hill, Maggie waved at a girl and ran over the road towards her. The sound of laughter came from further up as two more of her friends appeared from around the corner. He knew he shouldn’t be there. She wasn’t lying. He was an idiot. He walked away. She was different, she had people that wanted to spend time with her while he had no one but her.

  When he reached the top of the hill, he could see that the traffic was busy. From beyond the road, the sound of a girl’s scream made him look round. She shrieked with laughter as a man grabbed her around the waist and Jacob continued on with his head down.

  He watched the cars, the same patterns and movements he knew so well, the motorway and its noises. He watched the cars as they went under the bridge and on to other places while he stood there. Nothing mattered – this was always moving, never stopping. It was relentless. He hadn’t fitted in anywhere since his mum went, but nothing else changed. It all kept moving on without him. Maggie was the only one that made things bearable.

  He looked at the buildings and tried to memorise the lines so that he could draw them later. He imagined taking it apart, piece by tiny piece, line by tiny line, every shadow and every ridge. He remembered the pain in his fingers where the pencil had caused a ridge in his skin because he’d used it so much. It hurt, like he’d been hurt.

  He knew he’d done the right thing by not following Maggie for any longer, but not knowing where she was now felt bad. It was how it always was. The children at school would talk about him in the playground – pretending not to see him – and the sideways glances of the teachers made his head hurt. He was sick of people either feeling sorry for him or thinking there was something wrong with him. That was why he liked Maggie, she was never like that and that’s why he mustn’t lose her. She treated him like he was the same as the rest of them, when he knew that he wasn’t.

  3

  That night, the snow fell thick and fast, covering everything. More than predicted and still it came. Jacob walked down the road and thought about what Maggie had said about Lyme Park; the park wasn’t far from the old asylum and he hated it up there. What had just happened was another reason never to go. Jacob followed a set of prints from his next-door neighbour’s path and stepped off the kerb onto the fresh snow. There was something satisfying about being the first to tread on it.

  He’d heard Maggie’s screams from the house. He didn’t need to look out to know what they were doing. They always made a slide at the top of the road – they’d done the same thing for years. Maggie skidded across the top of the road, arms flapping, before she fell in a heap on the ground. She started laughing as one of the Vincents came next, blond hair even blonder against the white snow.

  They made a slide here every year when it snowed. The hill was perfect for it. The Vincents had brought water in an old Coke bottle yesterday and poured it down onto the compacted slide to make it faster. After a few goes, it was ready. Jacob could see the black stones in the tarmac at the bottom of the slide. Black shiny pebbles encased in ice.

  Jacob felt a sense of foreboding that day – something unseen that was on the air. As Maggie walked back up the hill to have another g
o, Matty Vincent walked over to Jacob, open-mouthed as he chewed gum. His hair was newly washed and he looked immaculate, as always. He always managed to look tanned, unlike his pale-skinned twin brother. They were both blond, but Billy’s hair was flat and greasy whereas Matty’s shone. Matty was cleverer and better looking too. Matty Vincent was just fucking perfect.

  ‘Her Jayne didn’t come home last night.’ Matty nodded at Maggie.

  ‘How do you mean?’ asked Jacob.

  ‘Maggie’s cousin. Have you seen her?’

  ‘Why would I?’

  ‘Just asking. For Maggie,’ Matty said, with a glance over at her. He had the palest blue eyes that were flecked with emerald-green.

  Jacob frowned. He didn’t like the idea of Matty Vincent doing anything ‘for Maggie’ and he didn’t like the Vincents knowing things about her that he didn’t. He’d seen the way he looked her over too, as though she was just like all the other girls he took out.

  Matty seemed distracted. He usually had a story to tell, but today he was quiet. As the ice glinted, Jacob thought of him skidding into the road and cracking his head open on it. He’d rather see that than watch the pair of them fall in love, right in front of him.

  ‘It’s proper fast, come on, Jacob!’ Maggie shouted, before she went again.

  ‘Careful, Maggie,’ Matty said. She smiled back at him, as though she appreciated the comment. If Jacob had said it, he knew that she’d have dismissed it. She wasn’t dressed for the cold. She had leggings on and a jumper, no coat as though it was spring, not winter. Her cheeks were flushed from the cold and the running. She didn’t need fancy clothes to be beautiful. She was louder than ever, screaming at the top of her voice and skidding on the ice. There was something wild about her that day, something untamed and free. She was like a force of nature.

  Jacob smiled and tried to look like he was enjoying it as she flew past him, hair over her face and arms flailing, before she landed on her backside on the pavement. Matty laughed and shook his head.

  ‘Like a baby giraffe!’ Matty shouted over to her.

  ‘Piss off.’

  ‘All legs and no balance.’ He smirked.

  Maggie grinned back and stuck up two fingers. His smile did something to her and Jacob hated it. He didn’t get it. All Matty cared about was football and chatting up girls; he was dull, nothing special.

  Maggie winced as she got up, but Matty was looking out over the lane. It wasn’t like him not to give her his full attention.

  ‘I think I just broke my arse,’ she said.

  Jacob waited for Matty to say something crude back, but he didn’t. He was distracted. Usually he’d have been over to her, making sure she was alright; Jacob felt like he should do it instead, but didn’t know what to do.

  ‘Your turn.’ She nodded. There was a mad look on her face, as though she was ready to do anything.

  ‘You won’t do it, will you?’ she said, and looked Jacob up and down. She pursed her lips together, daring him. There was something both cruel and charming about the way she did it and he wondered if she knew how beautiful she was. He wished he could be the one to tell her. She wasn’t the sort of girl to tell things like that to, not unless you wanted a kick in the bollocks. He imagined her ending up with someone older than him, someone clever and interesting. He couldn’t help hoping though. Hope was always teasing him into thinking he stood a chance.

  In the cold afternoon air, he watched her breath hang over the pavement as she panted. He stared at her lips and wondered if he’d ever pluck up the courage to ask for a kiss.

  Her brow furrowed with annoyance.

  ‘You having a go or what?’

  ‘What?’ he replied.

  ‘You’re a boring bastard sometimes, Jacob Clarke,’ she said.

  Matty’s brother, Billy, didn’t need any more encouragement than that. He sprinted past to the top of the ice and came down the hill, teeth bared, faster than Maggie. The sun had dropped and it was colder still. The feeling that he’d had earlier came back to Jacob. Something bad was going to happen. Billy was always going one better than everyone else, he was wild in a way that unnerved Jacob. He’d do anything. Nothing fazed him and Jacob always wondered if he’d go too far one day. All you had to do was dare him to do something and he would.

  When the red Cortina turned the corner towards them, he heard Maggie inhale. The front of the car had a stripe of yellow tape on the bonnet and they all knew that it was Maggie’s mum. Jacob stared at Maggie’s face. Maggie knew first. Before the car reached them, she was stood by the kerb, frown wrinkling her brow, pulling on her brunette curls, her face white.

  ‘Shit.’

  To see her standing by the side of the road like that made everyone stop what they were doing. Her mum was in the driver’s seat and they all knew it was serious. It was the way that Maggie was standing there, panting and still, just staring at the car until it got to them. Maggie’s mum leant over and flipped up the lock on the passenger door and Maggie got in without a word.

  Matty walked over to the car.

  ‘Can I help with anything, Mrs Miller?’ he asked.

  Maggie’s mum shook her head. ‘Thanks though, Matty,’ she said, before Maggie shut the door. Jacob had known her for years, but Matty acted like he had too. Jacob didn’t even say hello. He felt ashamed, because he couldn’t help but notice the way Maggie’s mum was almost as beautiful as she was. The way that her purple ribbed jumper was fitted tight and her lips were painted with a gloss that made them shine like ripe cherries.

  As they drove off, Maggie turned to face the driver’s side, but her mum was focused on the road. When Maggie’s mum said something, Jacob couldn’t tell what it was, but he found out soon enough. Everyone would.

  That was the day that Maggie’s cousin Jayne was found murdered. She was three years older than they were – nineteen and almost as beautiful as Maggie. She had the same wild hair and pale skin. The newspaper called her ‘promising’ and Jacob wondered what they meant. He decided that it meant she hadn’t done anything yet, but they didn’t want to say so. Maggie’s cousin was one of them. They didn’t know her well, but she’d been to the same primary school, she’d walked their streets, lived a similar life. One of their own had been taken.

  She’d sat on the same rotten bench to wait for the bus as he did. Whoever had decided to take Jayne’s life had changed everything in one night. Jacob thought of the shoes that Maggie was wearing that day they went to the café, the shiny red shoes that belonged to her cousin, and shuddered. It was almost as though it could have been Maggie found dead in the woods. That was ridiculous, he knew it was and yet that was how it felt. The thought of almost losing her made him feel sick inside.

  They’d found Jayne in the woods – their woods. Everything was tainted. Worse than that, Maggie changed. She stopped hanging out with him and when he did see her, it was like the life had been sucked out of her too. Without her there was a missing piece. Jacob felt anxious. That last day they’d been out together, she had been so much fun, her cheeks pink with the cold and her eyes bright with life. It was the last day when things were normal – when the rest of the world didn’t matter. That was the day that he lost her.

  As Maggie drove down the road in her mother’s Cortina, back to the house where her family sat together in grief, none of them paid any attention to Jacob’s next-door neighbour, Mr Anderson, as he pushed his bicycle through the snow and back towards his house. He was the local librarian and they barely saw him as he passed. He was as inconsequential as the grass that lay hidden under the mounds of snow. He was always there, a part of the town that existed beside them. He saw them though. Mr Anderson saw a lot. He’d seen Jacob at the library earlier too and heard him the night before, through the thin walls of the house. He’d seen Jayne Hargreaves too. He’d watched her walking as he went for his late-night stroll. He had followed behind as she walked down the snowy path towards the woods.

  *

  Mist rose over through the tre
es as Joyce Taylor and Harry Worthington stood over the newly discovered body of Jayne Hargreaves. The grass stuck up in frozen slivers around the body. A line of blood had run down her head and over her mouth onto the snow. Her clothes were cleanly ironed and her hair lacquered, dressed up for a night out. Harry nodded towards the trees.

  ‘Maybe she came from that way?’

  Joyce curled her nose. ‘What’s going on? That thing at Lyme Park and then this?’

  Harry looked around. There were houses behind the path near the pond, but the area wasn’t overlooked. ‘Doesn’t feel the same. The homeless guy wasn’t like this.’

  ‘No, but still…’

  He glanced at her. ‘Half-scalped and hair stuck on a doll. I mean what kind of sick fuck even thinks of doing that? And takes it to Lyme Park?’

  Joyce scratched the back of her neck. ‘Yeah, just don’t dismiss it. Whoever did that, is capable of anything.’

  She looked down at the girl in the snow, so young, only a teenager.

  ‘You think it’s the girl reported missing?’

  Joyce nodded. ‘Poor kid.’

  A dog whined, breath hanging in the January air, and it started to wag and strain. Its enthusiasm felt wrong.

  ‘Can we get that thing out of here?’ Joyce said, as she started moving towards it.

  ‘Looks like she dropped like a stone.’

  Joyce nodded. There was no evidence of a struggle. ‘Happened from behind?’ she continued.

  ‘Head trauma to the back of the head, she fell forwards.’ Harry faced the bushes by the side of the path. ‘Probably didn’t even see him coming.’

  She tilted her head sideways and leant over the body. ‘Or her.’

  ‘Right. What are you looking for?’ Harry asked.

  ‘Her hair’s all still intact anyway.’

  ‘Jesus,’ replied Harry.

  Joyce looked over where the path opened up. ‘They need to secure that side too, looks like there’s a cut through. It shouldn’t just be me that notices these things,’ Joyce said.