Love Me to Death Read online

  ‘Thanks, Jacob, I’m glad you’re here.’

  ‘No worries.’

  ‘I just want to see it. I don’t know why.’

  ‘It makes me sick that there’s some weirdo out there still,’ he told her.

  ‘I know,’ she replied.

  *

  When they got to the woods Maggie stopped and turned to face him. She was out of breath and her cheeks red from the cold. She looked different. Not like she usually did. The mad passionate look was gone from her face and there was something else in its place. As though the life had gone from her too.

  ‘Keep up, I don’t want to lose you in there. You’ve got a crappy sense of direction,’ she said.

  He knew that wasn’t why she’d stopped. The trees made inky thick outlines that blurred together and it was darker than the street. There were no streetlights in the woods. She was afraid. He could see it in her eyes. She looked older – thinner. He knew that some of the kids had dared each other to come down here, to see who would go furthest into the wood on their own. He could see them now, giddy and pumped with adrenaline. Loving the thrill of the fear that went with it, scaring each other half to death just to make them feel alive. It didn’t feel like that today. There was nothing exciting about this. All he wanted to do was turn back.

  On his mind were the shoes. He wondered if they were with her still. If she’d walked through the woods or gone by the path… it had to be the path. He wondered what made her come down here. Perhaps she’d been by the river and had taken the short route back. He’d done it himself. He knew the woods as well as he knew the roads. Him and Maggie both did. They’d come down with the other kids and light fires out of the old bits of wood that they could find, climb trees and build dens. There was still a rope swing near the river that he’d put up with Maggie years ago. She’d almost fallen in tying it on, but she’d done it. These were their woods. They used to be anyway. Now it felt like someone else had claimed them. Someone he didn’t want to imagine.

  They walked down the sandy path that led down the hill through the trees and as they got further, the woods took over, the path was still there, but it was less defined. The bracken and undergrowth had been trampled down in different directions where people had chosen their own routes.

  The woods weren’t vast, but they were big enough to feel isolated. There could be someone in them. Jacob wondered if the man that took Jayne was still here, waiting among the trees for the next person. What would he think if he saw Maggie? Beautiful Maggie. A younger, more beautiful version of her cousin. And him. What would he make of him?

  He wanted to grab her arm and pull her away from there, but he just stepped closer instead and tried to keep up with her strides. The ground was hard and frozen, the mud in thick mounds like the peaks of a dirty chocolate cake.

  They both knew where it was that they found her. It was just a little further up. He noticed that Maggie was walking slower now and so was he. As they got closer, they were hardly moving forwards at all. He could hear Maggie’s breath. Small little bursts, in and out as though she had the lungs of a tiny bird. She stopped and he turned to look at her.

  She wasn’t crying, but she was staring. Wide eyed and pale-faced at the path ahead. He didn’t like it. Her face was waxy pale. It made him wonder if that was what her cousin looked like when they found her, but he knew it wasn’t. He knew that whoever killed her made a whole mess of her and they were getting closer to the spot where it happened.

  ‘Let’s go back,’ Jacob said.

  He saw her shoulders relax.

  ‘We’re nearly there,’ she replied, without moving further forwards.

  ‘I know.’

  They both stood on the path in the semi-darkness. From somewhere in the distance a pair of owls started to hoot back and forth to one another.

  Maggie put her hand in his. He squeezed it back.

  ‘It’s getting dark,’ he said. ‘We should come back another time, when it’s light.’

  Maggie looked into the darkness of the woods. She didn’t need much convincing. He wondered if the badgers were in there somewhere, looking out from their sets with ebony eyes.

  ‘OK.’

  They both knew that the police had been down here for days. There was no way they’d have left anything behind. The way back was more difficult, it had gone darker and he stumbled over the tree roots that had been pushed up through the ground. He felt bad, because he liked being this close to Maggie. She grabbed his hand to steady herself as they came up onto the pathway and he knew that he shouldn’t be having thoughts like this – it felt disrespectful – and yet he couldn’t stop them. They were here because of a terrible thing and yet he couldn’t help thinking how warm her hand was in his and how soft her skin felt. When they got out of the woods, she dropped his hand and it lay by his side, useless and limp as though it was without purpose.

  As soon as they could see the streetlamps and the houses, Maggie stopped and turned to face him.

  ‘I didn’t like thinking of her out there in the cold,’ she said.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t there still. I know that sounds stupid cos they took her away, but I just had to see.’

  ‘Right.’ He nodded, as though he understood.

  ‘Do I sound mental?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘I wish I could talk to her again, you know? Just one last time.’

  Jacob wondered if they’d been arguing again. He didn’t like to ask though. She had an odd look on her face and he hoped she wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if she did.

  ‘She didn’t deserve it,’ he said.

  ‘I know that,’ she replied. Her voice sounded annoyed.

  ‘I just meant that it’s not fair what happened.’

  ‘Life’s not fair. Right?’ she snorted. ‘How about this one? I told her I wished she’d never come to live with us. I told her that I hated her and now I can’t take it back.’

  ‘You had to share a room with her, you were bound to fall out sometimes.’

  ‘I was always crap at sharing,’ she sighed.

  Jacob smiled. ‘I know.’ Jacob thought back to the woods and Jayne. All the things he complained about were nothing in comparison. He didn’t even want to think about what happened that night.

  ‘She was nice. It’s better to think about that maybe,’ he replied. He couldn’t think what else to say.

  ‘It doesn’t make any difference how nice she was or she wasn’t.’

  ‘I just mean it’s better to think of her in a nice way.’

  ‘It doesn’t change anything though, does it? She’s not here, is she?’

  ‘I know, I’m sorry.’

  ‘What was she playing at, the fucking dickhead?’

  Maggie turned to face the way home and picked up the pace again. Her hair bounced as she walked and he knew that they wouldn’t be going back to the woods again. Whatever had happened to Maggie’s cousin was gone and they both knew that there was nothing they could do about it. He wondered if the badgers were there when it happened, waiting among the trees. If they had seen her, if they had seen who did it. He could tell that Maggie was more bothered about it than she’d ever let on to anyone else. She’d changed since it happened. She’d stopped being like Maggie.

  When she turned around to say goodbye, he thought about all the times she’d left him in the past. She sometimes bent her head forwards as though she knew that he wanted to kiss her, but she hardly looked at him today. Whatever happened in the woods had taken some of her with it. He looked at the houses that lined the street near the lane down to the woods, the snaking path that dropped into darkness and he wondered how they could bear to still live there knowing that whoever took Jayne probably came this way, probably walked past their houses as they lay in bed.

  ‘Shall I walk you back?’

  ‘Can I come to yours for a bit?’ she asked. ‘Take my mind off things.’

  ‘Sure.’


  ‘Show me some of your drawings? They always cheer me up.’

  She never came to his house – she didn’t like Paula either so they avoided it. Today it didn’t seem as bad as hers though, her house with the pictures of her cousin on the wall and the relatives with red swollen eyes from crying.

  As they walked up the gravel path, Jacob looked up at Paula’s bedroom window. The curtains were drawn and the light was off, but he knew that if she was in there, she’d hear them. She’d been acting odd lately, keeping the curtains shut downstairs and getting angry if he left a window open.

  Maggie looked over her shoulder behind her at the road. Apart from the streetlights it was seaweed-black. The sound of the cars in the distance were a constant reminder of the past, but today it didn’t matter. Today he was with Maggie and the motorway was just a background hum in the back of his mind.

  ‘I think they’re out. Don’t worry, I’ll walk you back later.’

  ‘Cheers.’ She smiled. ‘Thanks for putting up with me. You’re too nice.’

  ‘I’m not nice. I like being with you.’

  She didn’t change her facial expression and he turned away from her with his heart racing. It was easy to say it, but she didn’t know how much he meant it. He usually kept his feelings to himself and it felt great to finally say the words, but he resisted saying more. They went inside and she followed him up towards his bedroom. He breathed slowly to stay calm. He started to get excited about what could happen next as she grabbed the handrail to steady herself and he turned around. ‘Steady.’

  At the top of the stairs was a writing desk and chair with a pink cardigan hung on it. Jacob looked down the landing towards Paula’s door. He guessed that she must be out, because when his dad wasn’t there, she always came to pester him. There was no sign of either of them, or the dog either, even so, he tried to be quiet.

  Jacob smiled as though he was used to having her in his bedroom. ‘Just go in.’

  It had been a while since she’d been there; she used to come around a lot when they were little. His mum liked an open house; she was always cooking and putting on parties before she changed. Jacob stuck a postcard over the picture of her on his wall, but Maggie was too busy looking at the drawing pads on the table to notice.

  She leant in to get a closer look. ‘You’ve got loads of books.’

  ‘From the charity shop mostly. Some of the art ones are worth loads,’ he said proudly.

  ‘Show me your drawings then? What you been doing?’

  He smiled. The stuff he’d been doing at home was good and he knew it. He hadn’t been out much and he’d got loads of work on the badgers. He still felt nervous about showing her though, like he was revealing a part of himself.

  ‘All I need to do is paint the rest of this one and then it’s done.’

  ‘Seriously? You never did this? You’re joking, right?’

  ‘I’ve been working on it a while. It needs more on the body still and I’m not sure the left eye is right.’

  She smiled. ‘You could be famous one day. I should get your autograph now just in case. Or you can paint me a picture.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Would you really?’

  ‘You’d probably just sling it in the bin.’

  ‘I never would.’

  He smiled. It was nice spending time with her, but she made him feel proud too and it wasn’t something he was used to.

  She sighed. ‘Thanks.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘This, I just needed some escape before I went back. So thanks. It’s been really odd at my house.’

  ‘Are you not staying for a bit? Do you want a drink or something?’

  She frowned. ‘You know what your stepmum’s like.’

  ‘She’s out.’

  She snorted. ‘I can’t face her today. I just didn’t feel like going straight back after the woods.’

  ‘Try living with her.’ He was annoyed that she was still ruining things without even being there. ‘Do you think Jayne was meeting someone that day?’

  Maggie’s brow furrowed. ‘The police reckoned she was. Not that they know anything.’

  Jacob thought about the shoes, but he knew better than to argue with her. ‘Maybe she was.’

  ‘Just leave it. I don’t want to think about it.’

  Maggie walked around the room staring at the pictures on the walls. She picked up a matchbox from the windowsill and opened it. Inside was a paper doll that he’d made. The lips were painted like a tiny red heart.

  ‘You could sell these.’ She paused and nodded towards the window. ‘You’re good, you know?’

  ‘No one would buy it.’

  ‘Course they would. You see stuff like this in little shops all the time. Hey, you could even get people to order them. You could do special ones to order.’

  He smiled. ‘Not sure about that.’ He picked up the paper figure and put it in his pocket. He didn’t want her to look too closely at it in case she recognised herself. All his books were full of pictures of her, but they were in his wardrobe at least. The thought of her finding them and flicking through picture after picture of her made him cold with nerves and he stood in front of the door so that she couldn’t open it.

  ‘Seriously. You could make money if you wanted to.’

  ‘I don’t do it for that.’

  ‘Still, you could. I don’t know how you find the time to do all this.’

  ‘Everyone’s got time if they really want to do something.’

  ‘Yeah, maybe, I suppose everyone’s got something they do,’ she replied. Maggie looked out of the window thoughtfully towards the woods and he let the silence hang in the room for a moment. He thought of the way she was always writing in her book. He wondered if it was stories, or if there was anything in one of her notebooks about him. She didn’t like it when he asked though so he’d learnt not to.

  ‘You should make a list, of who it might be,’ Jacob said.

  ‘They’ll already have done all that,’ she snapped.

  He felt his mouth open in surprise. She was quick to get angry, but the way she looked at him was different this time. He didn’t realise how much it had bothered her.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to…’

  Her face softened. ‘I’m sorry, I’ve just had enough of it. It’s all they talk about at my house,’ she told him. ‘It’s not your fault, I shouldn’t get annoyed with you.’

  ‘I was just trying to help.’

  ‘I know,’ she sighed. ‘Did you paint that too?’

  Jacob looked down at the floor. He could tell she was trying to change the subject. He wondered if she really liked anything he’d done. ‘No. That’s a print from a shop.’

  She turned towards the window. ‘Still, you could make something of yourself. Get out of this place for good. You’re lucky. I can’t do anything. Makes you think, all that stuff with Jayne. Life’s too short.’

  Seeing her there, by the window made him feel sad. He looked at the softness of her hair against her back and longed to reach out and touch her. He would never leave here without her.

  ‘I could take you with me. We could escape for good.’

  She looked up at the ceiling. ‘That sounds amazing right now.’

  ‘She was talking about you before she died. When I was waiting downstairs in the kitchen. I think she was checking that you were alright.’

  ‘Who? Jayne?’

  Jacob nodded. ‘Yeah. She did care about you.’

  ‘I know.’ She turned back to the window and stood by the net curtains where they both had been on the day that the police came. Maggie’s clammy hand was in his. He remembered the Vosene smell of her hair and the washing powder freshness of her yellow dress as they watched the police through the window. The crumpets his mum had made for him stayed uneaten on the china plate in his room for days afterwards.

  ‘Jacob.’

  He stepped away as she continued speaking.

  ‘You’re not listening. C
an I borrow your bike to ride back on?’ she said.

  He could feel her impatience and he wondered how long she’d been talking. ‘I can walk you. You can’t go back on your own.’

  ‘I just need to be on my own. No offense.’

  Jacob felt the disappointment show on his face. He couldn’t hide it. ‘It’s down the side of the house.’

  ‘You won’t get in trouble off her if I take it?’ She nodded towards the door.

  He shrugged. ‘Who cares?’

  ‘Jacob?’ she said, and he looked at her hopefully. ‘Maybe talk to your dad again. Your dad’s OK. You should tell him what she’s like.’

  He waited for her to say more, but she didn’t.

  ‘He only listens to her. There’s no point.’

  She looked at him as though she felt sorry for him before she walked out of the room. ‘Just think about it.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about her. She’s a dick.’

  He didn’t get her; one minute she understood him, and the next she didn’t have a clue.

  ‘We’re both as bad as each other.’

  ‘I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I’m going to find out who took her.’

  She frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Your cousin. I’m going to help.’

  ‘Don’t make things worse.’

  He was annoyed. All he wanted to do was help and she never let him. Nothing was ever enough.

  ‘How could I make it worse?’

  ‘I just don’t want people talking about it again. Everywhere they’re at it. I can’t walk down the street.’

  ‘That’s good though, someone might have seen something. They might remember.’

  ‘You don’t know what it’s like. It makes no difference. Look I’ll bring the bike back tomorrow.’

  He wasn’t sure what she wanted from him. ‘I can get it from yours.’

  ‘I’ll just ride it back.’

  ‘I don’t mind walking you.’

  ‘I need to clear my head. Thanks for tonight, Jacob. No offence, but you don’t know what it’s been like.’

  He wasn’t sure how they went from her being so happy to her being so distant. He showed her out and watched her go. As she turned the corner on the bike, he waited to see if she glanced back. She didn’t. He was of no interest; her thoughts were elsewhere as usual.